Here goes either a long rant or a short, soon to be deleted, rant-let.
(Well, I didn't delete this yet, so... reader beware)
I remember now. I hate parties. I guess if it were just people that I was already friends with then it would be fine, but there are always people that I don't know... and somehow I end up being either alone with them, or we will be the only two people not busy with 'stuff'.
And so it was tonight. Sitting there with Sarah, which I met 5 minutes ago, and nothing in common to talk about. I didn't really want to talk to her anyway, so I really only felt awkward for her sake. Luckily she mentioned something about her boyfriend on his mission in Brazil. Nice, I got to share my intimate knowledge of Coconuts and Brazilian drunks with her, which is a more fascinating subject than it sounds. Ok, probably not... But it is a lot better then sitting there avoiding eye contact and pretending to be busy and content while doing nothing.
After the 90 minute mark my awkward quota was fulfilled so I could actually talk to her without feeling I was just being polite. It doesn't seem to matter who it is, but if I haven't been around them for a good hour or so I can't act 'normal'.
I think it is even worse with girls, and five times worse if I am considering any possibility of a future with them. (I guess that is kind of weird for me to categorize every girl I meet into 'date-able' 'befriendable' and 'her? I hope she's funny' ...[I guess I also have the 'Oh wow, this person is so very stupid... please... I hope they are distracted by some lights so I can escape swiftly' category])
So, Once discovering she is all waity-wait for her beloved missionary to return in a few months I can really be normal around her, since I don't have to hold back to avoid the appearance of flirting.
(Heads up: nothing is going to happen in case anybody was getting their hopes up, its not that kind of story. It is more like a trick I am playing on you to continue reading)
Sarah told me that she couldn't believe that I wasn't married yet, A common compliment for me (Thanks mom)and only less common than:
Sarah:'Oh, you smell good'
Me:'What?! I smell ...delicious?'
Sarah:'No, you know, I just thought you were one of those people who stinks'
Me:'... ... Thanks ... Why do people keep saying that?'
(Yes... I have heard that more than twice. Almost exactly that same conversation.)
(And for the record, I smell both good AND delicious).
Anyway, She asks me about where I went to school and where I live and then if I know John Doe from the 'Silver mountain crest 214th singles ward' or something like that, to which the obvious answer is no. "No because you don't go to church that often, haha?"
This is when I had to decide if I am going to avoid the question, or just kill the conversation with the truth... I kind of like the truth, which is why I choose that one... a lot.
(Warning: if you are of the type who has been warned not to talk to people who don't agree with everything having to do with the LDS religion I would prefer if you stop reading here. End of the story is we talked at this party, and I am pretty sure we are friends if I ever see her again [not likely] But here is where I will discuss my beliefs, which I guess might be offensive to a 'true believer')
"I don't go to church anymore."
"oh." *This was when I think I could hear crickets*
"If it is not too personal, why not?"
I could have explained it a lot better than I did, but it is hard to remember how to express how things work in my head.
"I don't believe its true anymore." I said, which is true I guess, if I take in EVERYTHING about the church and give my own pass/fail grade, but it is 'false' doesn't really sum up what I think about EVERYTHING in the church. I immediately regret my choice of words. again.
What I really think is a lot more complex than that but it is kind of hard to talk about without bringing up all the little things that don't really matter.
It sounds kind of cocky, but I really think the church isn't a good place for me, and I can be a better person on my own (As in not a part of an organized religion).
I know what is right and wrong for the most part, and for the rest I can figure it out myself. God has given me the tools to make righteous choices for myself, and I can always ask for help when I need it.
I don't feel good when I am at church, and if I don't feel good I can't really grow while I am there.
So the principles and a lot of the beliefs that I learned from the church are still true to me, but there are some things I don't agree with and I don't want to rationalize them so that I can attend meetings without being ashamed of the way things are done in what is supposed to be the perfect church. (I am aware that people aren't perfect, but there are real problems with both the people of the church and the organization itself, I believe.)
Someday there will be enough corrections to the church that I won't be ashamed of myself to be a part of it, and I hope that day comes sooner than later. (For Clarification, I think being LDS is probably the religion that has the most to be proud of as far as its principles go.)
Anyway... that is the better answer than "I don't believe its true anymore."
I guess it might have been better to say, "I am trying to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, it's just that I am trying to do it without an organized religion instructing me."
It still sounds kind of cocky, a person thinking they know better than a group of people.
Also, I guess this is a pretty heavy topic for somebody I just met... but she asked so... yeah. (I apologize to anybody who had to read this that didn't want to go down this road with the twisted words and attempts to plant seeds of disbelief. That isn't my intention, and hopefully that won't affect too many people... since so few will see this blog, let alone read the entire article.)
She seemed to be ok with that answer, and seemed like she kind of understood, but like I said I kind of gave the 'interpret this however you want' answer.
Moving back to the 'I can't believe you aren't married yet' conversation Sarah said I could move out of Utah, and I would have a very different experience with the church (which I don't doubt, but not the experience I am really expecting from a high end 100% true church... because that would be some kind of Christmas miracle.)
"I don't really know if I could date a Mormon girl with long term marital expectations, I don't want to be the one who crushed her temple marriage dreams. Unless it was 'true love', in which cases I would be willing to crush and squash those dreams the second she asked me to." (I don't think I could really do that to anybodies dreams though, because I would never live it down to her or myself... or her mom, best friends, extended family, and everybody who would ask her which temple she is getting married in. I don't want to be the cause of that never-ending doubt.)
She laughed, "That makes it almost impossible for you to get married here."
"Yeah, that and I don't really get out much."
(Things will work out, they always do. And being a bachelor is only bad in Utah.)
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8 comments:
I really enjoyed reading this blog, Vesco. Very sorry I didn't come, but I hate those parties too.
"Let's leave this place. We'll say that we escaped..."
i think that's the best reason for not going to church any more (well, after not being able to take any more layered jello salad). plus, it obviously garnered a much more interesting conversation at an Awkward Party than you probably would have had otherwise.
i'm glad you wrote this. i think that far too often people of any religious system categorize believers and unbelievers into good-bad. few things could be farther from the case.
My 2cents (or maybe 4, since there's a lot of it):
On Girls: and le Par-tay I find myself categorizing the lady folk at the social occasions too (though my categories are, um, different than yours) I also find myself at such occasions sometimes without anyone to talk to. The secret, in my experience, is to keep going to parties with different groups of people and talk to every pretty girl you see until you do find someone you have things in common with. I try to convince myself that the worst that happens is she walks away or introduces me to her boyfriend. The best that could happen would be getting a phone number (which is unlocks the next series of gut-wrenching events). Perseverance works... eventually (I've made a few more friends this way, but no girlfriends from this route). In the worst case scenario, at least you still get a few free drinks! (if these aren't parties that have alcohol available, well, perseverance still works, it's just more boring. But you get free punch!)
On Religion: I stopped regularly attending church a long time ago. My reasoning mirrored yours, that I don't really feel I need an organized church to stay on course. Yeah, it is cocky, and it might get us sent to an unfun next life, but for each organized church you'll get people who say the same about it. Heck, Papa Rimskii Benedict republished his thing last week about the protestant churches being unable to provide salvation, and the orthodox ones being flawed. The Methodists of my upbringing would have some not-nice things to say to him too. I still go for holidays, since I'm too old-school to give up everything, and I try to observe the Sabbath in my own way, but regular Sunday morning services are for now in my past. I still hang on to the beliefs, even in the face of fierce criticism, and I dabble in what I'm almost sure is radical heresy sometimes.
I think of that episode of King of the Hill where Bobby is designated a reincarnated Lama by a visiting Tibetan Buddhist group, an outraged Hank finds himself unable to explain to his son what their denomination (Methodism, hehe) means, and their pastor encourages Bobby to do what he believes is necessary for his own spirituality. I don't know why my ramblings brought me to that episode of a cartoon from the mind of the guy who made Bevis and Butt-head, but it did. I've blabbered enough for now. It probably would have been sufficient of me to say, "I agree, just stick with it and you'll get where you want to go."
Thanks Christian,
I see you saw the link I put up.
I thought that was what you hinted at in some of the forum posts you made and some of the things in FB, So I had figured you were in a very similar boat. :)
I think the worst is how organized religions divide human kind, instead of bringing it together.
For instance, the LDS religion doesn't actually teach directly that other denominations are bad, but so many individuals (especially in seminary, which I have to thank for introducing me to doubt about the church. I HATED seminary. But that is another story.)
But I have trouble thinking that good people in any walk of like, religious or otherwise, will have their final reward, and it will be a good'n. And like I have in my other profile, It seems kind of petty for God to require certain rituals to get what we deserve.
Hi Vesco,
Nice and very eloquent entry, very very enjoyed it.
Despite the pretty cool time I spent in the Fiji islands on a mission, I also felt it was time for me to leave the church. Some people said I was weak, others wicked... I'll go for wicked.
On the other side of the rainbow, there exist pretty darn smart people that don't think the church is true but still participate in the meetings and stuff...I talked to one of them once, he was my anthropology professor at BYU. Even though he wouldn't believe in the church a 100%, he had a nice understanding that any religious organisation in the world is a sub-product of social evolution as a whole. The point line was : "if it exists, it means that somehow it is there to fulfill a need in societies."
Really smart guy. He had a family in the church, though...and thought it'd be disturbing for his kids to leave without notice... so he was hoping they'd find out later in their life...
I'm the wrong person to give this type of advice. the only thing I'll add here is that just like organized religions, organized ceremonies (marriage) are there to fulfill a need in society, but shouldn't be mandatory.
Thanks Ingrid! (for both visiting the blog, and your comment)
I don't know where people get off telling others that they are weak for doing something that is very difficult.
At least with wicked you can hang your head in shame, and walk away... smirking the entire time. Win/win, really.
Oh, how I love a good smirking.
Hey Vesco
I found this on my computers and have been reading - do hope that is ok.
I loved reading your blog and am finding that we are very much alike.
You can stay with us anytime you are ever in Canada - haha, Edmonton anyways . . . and I do hope you come back.
I am sure I will come back.
Good times were had by all, I think.
Yeah, read em up all you want. :)
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